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Artemis Fowl – Top O’ The Mornin’

Colin Farrell should feel lucky to have finished his role in only about 3 days. Any more, and his performance would have become as ridiculous and dumb as everyone else’s. He dodged a heavy bullet.


Artemis Fowl (2020) is directed by Kenneth Branagh and stars Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, and Nonso Anozie as the main cast, with Colin Farrell and Judi Dench as supporting roles.

Artemis Fowl II is an intellectual genius with a past ancestry of a long line of of high IQ criminal masterminds.

Attaining help from his loyal bodyguard Butler, young Artemis labors to find his strangely missing father.

While undergoing that process, he unravels an antiquated, underground civilization-the synchronized world of highly advanced fairies.

Rationalizing that his father’s disappearance is directly related to this mysterious fairy world, Artemis devises a strategy so dangerous that it ends up propelling him into a hazardous all-out war with the mystical creatures.

Photo Credit: Disney

Budget Nonsense

How did a relatively popular live-action Disney movie with a budget of $125 million end up turning into a slow-burning disaster like this?

If I was Eoin Colfer I’d be feeling like Marlon Brando right now in The Godfather where he says, “Look how they massacred my boy” in a sorrowful tone.

They effortlessly massacred his book series with this film.

The director and producers had so many resources to give this book the respect and credit it deserved.

I’m not really surprised that much to be honest considering how The Lion King live-action was created.

I half-expected it to turn out like this knowing the bad track record with the previous Disney movies being churned out, so it didn’t really affect me too much when this flopped.

Laughably Irrelevant Story

I can’t even remember what this movie was about now that I’m trying to think back on it.

What was the name of that object the main character was attempting to look for again? Acupuncture?

I’d find that more believable since this script needed healing.

Massive healing.

A little bit of traditional Chinese medicine into the writing would’ve done the trick, although the performances also would need to be accounted for.

Anyways, the overall plot and exposition of this movie was just plain boring and time-consuming, even though it’s not even that long.

From what I can recall, it’s less than 95 minutes, and it should’ve been shorter to be frank so that it could admit it’s better off not being made at all.

Nothing about this story interested me in any way.

Didn’t care about the characters, the visual effects, the soundtrack, and definitely not those damn fairies.

The narrative is so mind-numbingly insane it couldn’t even identify to me who the main villain was.

Was it the fairies? A lumbering troll?

Another mysterious individual who I personally think shouldn’t have been included and instead done away with altogether?

I can’t tell, and neither can the producers I presume since they were probably on acid or LSD while taking care of the plot.

Photo: Motion Pictures

Pointless Performances

I know this is Ferdia Shaw’s first ever performance in a feature-length film, so I won’t badger him too much.

But Jesus Christ, he honestly looked like he had a robot face throughout the whole story.

He gave no depth or substance to his facial expressions when delivering his lines.

It’s like he was patiently waiting for the director on the sidelines to mouth out the lines for him continuously.

That’s about all I’ll say since I genuinely feel bad for the kid. Not a good way to start a film career, but I hope he does better going forward with other roles.

Like I stated before, Colin Farrell should feel blessed to not have so much screen time here.

I know I would.

The terribly developed story would have only pulled him into something that contributed negatively rather than positively to his filmography.

I found Josh Gad and Judi Dench to be the most burdensome.

For starters, I couldn’t deal with that annoying, deep, overly dramatic voice they kept using.

Both honestly sounded like they had strep throat.

At one point I think the writing actually mocked itself by making fun of that deficiency, so that was moderately good.

As to Gad’s character, he was not even remotely that funny to me.

He made a joke one scene about being discriminated for, get ready for this, being too tall for a dwarf…

That’s totally not obvious dreadful writing and deserves an Oscar-worthy award in and of itself (not sarcasm).

The other casts’ performances also didn’t interest me in any engaging manner.

They gave their best effort, I’m sure. It’s just the whole structure and outline of what they were doing didn’t make any common sense.


Final Thoughts

You guys should listen to the critics on this one.

They may be wrong and overly judgmental a lot of the time, but they hit the money on the spot with their assessments on this film.

As I type this conclusion out I’m relishing with joy as I won’t ever have to go back to it again.

At least I hope so.

Artemis Fowl is not worth watching and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, not even to myself in the past if I could go back in time and prevent this unfortunate time loss.

By tomorrow it will be erased from my memory.

By next year it will fade from the collective unconscious of society as a whole.

By the next century it will fade from history itself and the annals of time and humanity combined.

By the next millennium… well, you get the point.

FP Score – Melancholy

Rating: 0.5 out of 5.

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