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Cats – Cat Got Your Tongue?

Yea, the first 5 minutes pretty much explained what everything else was gonna be like. A frightening cringe-fest of ugly CGI effects making ear-piercing musical vocal tones.


Cats (2019) is directed by Tom Hooper and distributed by Universal Pictures.

It stars a wide selection of people such as Judi Dench, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, James Corden, and Jason Derulo.

The movie is about a close group of cats referred to as the Jellicles.

They basically have to make a decision every year on which cat gets to ascend to this magical place called the Heaviside Layer.

Whichever one achieves this, gets to return to a new life as a new cat.

Photo Credit: Universal Pictures

Directionless Story Arc

The whole plot was developed starting off with one cat singing their personal life story and purpose, and then moving onto the next cat, and the next, and so on.

Watching that continuously was the most boring and tiresome thing I’ve had to see when it comes to musicals.

Actually no, not just musicals, any film really. This movie was more of a comedy than a musical drama to be honest.

I found myself laughing several times at how utterly dumb and unintriguing the whole direction unfolded.

Why? Seriously, why was this made?

What was going through the heads of the people at Universal Pictures, thinking it was a good idea to distribute this thing?

It serves them right that they were costed more millions than they gained in profits. At least there won’t be a Cats 2, thank the Heaviside Heavens for that.

The movie characters kept repeating the word Jellicle so many times it began to get seriously insufferable to hear after the first 50 instances.

I daydreamed multiple times throughout the acts from boredom and mental fatigue.

There just wasn’t any subplot inherent in the exposition.

Most of everything became bland and dull for me after seeing 1 or 2 Cats perform their awkward dances.

From The Depths Of Hades CGI

That’s not an exaggeration. They convincingly looked like they were formed and created from the deep chasms of Hades.

Since this movie is PG, a lot of kids I imagine became scarred from being dragged into these horrifying visuals by their parents.

I remember vividly one time in my childhood when I was introduced to The Polar Express, released in 2004.

The moments when the animated kids smiled, with the cameras zoomed in on them freakishly, were the defining events that triggered something unreal in my psyche.

Even thinking about them now gives me unsettling goosebumps.

This movie unfortunately will be the equivalent Polar Express for kids in the mid-2000’s.

Well, the good thing about it is they won’t be alone in it, they’ll have something in common with other traumatized people given psychological torments from things like this.

And this IS undoubtedly the worst element of the film.

The visual effects and CGI of the characters overall were portrayed grossly unnerving. We even knew this beginning from the trailers.

They made it outright obvious that the entire production team simply didn’t give a crap about what both the regular moviegoers and critics were shouting from the tops of their lungs, “The cats look like trash!”.

Universal Pictures

Cringy As Hell Performances

A lot of people simply liked the movie for the music that the characters sung. And that’s fine.

But you also can’t deny one basic fact of the cats dancing and singing together: They were massively distasteful with their constant sexual faces and behaviors.

And you know I’m right. You saw it, I saw it, everybody saw it.

It was enormously unpleasant to see those terribly-developed androgynous animal-humans act in those sexually provocative ways that they did.

To me, almost none of the performances caught my interest. I sort of ranked many of them in my head from bad, to worst, to shoot my brains out please.

Rebel Wilson’s performance specifically falls in the latter.

Her introduction in the story solely caused me to contort my face in painful angst.

The main cat, played by Francesca Hayward, was plainly portrayed as the eyes of the audience going through the motions of the other cast members.

No real development or growth was given to her character sadly.

The plot quickly and unremarkably labeled Idris Elba as the villain with no substance to work through.

He basically just strolls around and secretly kidnaps the other cats in some vengeful ploy to ascend to the Heaviside Layer.

Judi Dench is normally Judi Dench, which wasn’t really that much of a problem for me.

At least I could recognize one person beneath all those disturbing fur suits.

Final Thoughts

This may just be the perfect example of an extremely cringy musical that ever came into existence.

Thankfully, I know for sure that there won’t be a sequel to this awful mess.

If, for some ungodly reason, that does manage to happen in the future, the sky will probably be falling soon.

Most people though, I assume, will have the past experience and wisdom to evade it at all costs.

God have mercy on the ones required to watch it though for review (Pray for me).

Cats ultimately is not worth viewing as it’s riddled with repetitively conventional dancing takes, as well as wishy-washy character development not amounting to anything.

The CGI alone should be enough to scare anyone away at first glance.

FP Score – Melancholy

Rating: 0.5 out of 5.




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